Meditation...Hypnosis...Drugs

It was not until six months into my first pregnancy that I found out that our local hospital does not do "elective" epidurals. I thought it was a joke (well, it is true AND a "joke"). Armed with this knowledge for baby number two, I began looking into self-hypnosis as a means for pain control during labor. There are "centers" set up for this kind of thing with classes, etc. Since you live in the land of nuts and berries, I figure you should be able to find one there. I did not have that but my midwife & OBGYN referred my to a local psychologist know to train people in self-hypnosis. It is called "progressive relaxation" technique. It is all about starting at your toes and focusing on every muscle...contract/relax...all the way up to your forehead. Does it work. Hmmm... I was very relaxed during the labor and the pain was uncomfortable but not horrible (maybe a 3 out of 10). HOWEVER, when the shit hits the fan (last centimeter and pushing) I lost my self-control and relaxation. It just friggin' hurts. Hurts like hell. I was pretty sure I was going to break the rails off my bed I was wrenching in such extreme pain. The whole bowling ball, turtle neck analogy is a JOKE. Let's face it, the kid is bigger than a bowling ball and the space it comes through is MUCH smaller that any turtleneck I own. Since there is a baby that needs to get out, you're pretty much screwed. My advice? DRUGS! Early and often. They did not give me a trophy or a headline in the paper for delivering my huge child (nearly ten lbs) sans pain control. Don't even try it. You think it is going to hurt getting the baby out? It does, but that part lasts minutes. It is the labor that'll kill you. And that lasts for HOURS! It just hurts...and I didn't have any of the mythic "back labor."

I know this discussion is early; however, if you are going to investigate self-hypnosis and meditation, you need to start learning how right now. I has weekly sessions for about 5 months. I recommend it but not at the exclusion of the epidural. Don't waste you time with any epidural subsitutes...they DO NOT WORK.

To Touch or not to Touch...THAT is the question

There exists a very strange phenomenem with pregnant women. People think they can touch you. People you know...people you work with...complete strangers. For some reason our culture has allowed the "free touch zone" of a pregnant belly. Get used to the idea and decide NOW if you will be touched or not. You can't stop it once you've allowed it to begin. I was a "no touch." Can't touch me when I'm not pregnant so why in the HELL would I want you (being anyone) touching me now? Easy...I don't and didn't. I made one exception...Sean. He was allowed to touch by invitation only. I know we shared the baby inside; however, the vessel in which is was riding was MINE. Invitation only. People you barely know (I guarantee) will approach you with a "Oooohhhhh. Let me touch you belly." Notice the period. It was not a question...they're gonna touch it. The other, "Oooohhh, can I touch you belly?" sounds like a question, but it isn't. Before you'll be able to say no, the hands will be on you. It freaked me out. I let the world know early and often...NO TOUCH.

Along the same line..the comments. People think they can touch you AND they think they can comment about your appearance. "Are you feeling ok? You look pale." Gee, thanks..."Actually, I feel great" was my response (even if I felt like shit). "Wow you ARE big for 6 months." Again, "gee thanks, you're a fat ass too."

So what do you do about it all? For the touchers, as they're reaching out, a firm "please don't touch my belly" let's 'em know. If they give you that "you just sensitive b/c you're pregnant" patronizing BS, tell them they can come to the hospital and touch your belly the day after the baby is born (sorry, but it is a disgusting wad of skin). They will NOT want to touch your post-partum gut. For the commenters, prepare an arsenal of retorts. I, frankly, didn't care if I sounded hormonal or sassy. Nobody should tell another person they look bad. By the way YOU look great!!!!

Keep this in mind. Most of the touchers and commenters mean well, and people like pregnant women. Eat up the compliments and service you are bound to get over the next several months.

Got any issues? I have one...

Cankles

I have not actually seen the movie Fat Chicks, but I've heard all about cankles...fat ankles (a calf, ankle blend). Anyway, when pregnant, water retention is common. It can happen at any point in the pregnancy. You will see a pregnant woman who looks normal with a belly. Then...POOF!...puffy face (and cankles). Do what you can starting now to combat water retention (drink water...check with your MD). I did not really get the puffy cheeks but I had cankle-anoia. At the end of the day, when I took off my socks, I had "ring around the cankle" dents in my legs. I tried to wear loose fitting socks, but, alas, all socks use elastic to hold them up. I tried to sit with my feet up, but laying on your back is a no-no when pregnant (especially big pregnant). Wear sandles. No one but you and Brad will see the sock evidence of cankles, but just knowing they were there bugged me.

A serious note about water retention... I think it can be a symptom of something else (not sure what). My doctor checked my cankles at every visit. I thought they were huge, she was ok with it. If you push you finger into you ankle and a dent stays (for a second or two) it might be water retention. If you push in and it bounces back...gulp...it might be a real cankle.

What not to wear

OK...I'll just say it. Maternity clothes. Getting used to the idea during pregnancy number 1 was not easy. I just wore stretchy pants and big shirts. It was not until December (baby 1 born in February) that I actually gave them a try. WOW! The truth is this...big stretchy clothes make you look BIG. Get it? Big clothes=big girl. Maternity clothes=pregnant girl. Do you really want people wondering, "is she fat or preganat?" Since you're not 14 and trying to hide it...wear 'em. Here is the fine line...when to start wearing them. Too early and you're a dork. To later and you get the big girl thing going. There is no magic date. I think your pants will tell you. If their too tight and the rubberband trick won't work...visit the maternity clothes department. What's the rubberband trick? Take a rubberband (kind you use in your hair), loop it through the button hole, then hook it around the button of your pants. Voila! pants (the waist) are now 1-2 inches bigger. Sorry, I don't having tricks for making the butt of pants bigger.

Speaking of pants...maternity pants are weird but loveable. I REALLY loved my last pair of maternity jeans. The weirdness comes in the the mystery "panel." A panel is a big piece...really big...like 12" x 12 "...of lycra (color coordinated with the pants). I still am weirded out by the panel. It didn't feel "right" until I was 9 months and then it was love. Maternity pants come in all varieties...scoop under the belly, panel, yards of fabric to cover belly. Adjustable waistband is a MUST! I opted for the 3rd pants option. It allowed for more flexibility in shirt choice. You can wear a shorter shirt and not reveal the freakish (but functional) lycra panel. Trying to buy maternity pants is torture. You have to buy pants for a body you don't know will look like in a week to several months. I LAUGHED when I tried on my first "panel" pants. ught I would NEVER fit into them. HAH!!! I did. Let me know how your first pants trying on session goes. Don't take Brad...maybe Michelle. You will laugh; you will cry; you will cry. A guy won't understand. Got any pregnant friends? Only they will understand.

Shirts? Much more flexible situation than the pants. Don't forget the big girl rule.

Luckily I was not pregnant-pregnant during the summer. You're on your own there. Don't forget the big girl rule.

Where to buy...Avoid, avoid, avoid Motherhood Maternity. Their return policy SUCKS!!!!! You basically can't return anything, period. Target is affordable. Old Navy is cute and trendy (and they have a great mail-order exchange program). Gap if VERY expensive. A rule of thumb is, "it's not worth the price." The clothes are not cheap and their so temporary. You want to have a few nice things; the rest you should get at a cheap store. Let's face it. You don't want to have to alternate between one pair of khakis and one pair of jeans for several months.

I hate to say this, but PLEASE for Brad's sake...no huge white underware. Underware does not have to cover you belly. The idea of "special" maternity underware is a marketing scam. This might be TMI, but I wore my same old, same old undies. I will save the discussion of the...gulp...nursing bra for later. This charming little item can't be purchased until much later.

I put of buying maternity clothes until the end of pregancy 1...couldn't wait to wear them in preganacy 2.

So, as Stacey and Clinton would say, "here are the rules."

1. Big clothes = big girl. Maternity clothes=pregnant girl.
2. Adjustable waistband
3. NO Mothernood Maternity
4. No huge white briefs (or any other color)

Gotta go but start researching this...progressive relaxation techniques and/or labor self-hypnosis (you might have "trainers" in your area).

Early Ultrasounds...ummm

Please know that my advice is at least 3 years old (age of my youngest devil). Having said that, ultrasound methods will vary from place to place, office to office, doctor to doctor. When I showed up at my doctor's office office for my very early ultrasound, I was shocked and embarassed. The device used for the procedure was not the kind that gets smushed over your stomach. Are you ready? It looked like a gigantic dildo. And guess were it went...yup...in the dildo department (the "conventional" department...not the department outlawed by 27 states). I got some awesome pictures of the baby. I bet you'll REALLY have trouble sleeping now!

As far as the sleeping goes, I am a champion sleeper. You will need to train yourself to fall back to sleep rapidly, or not really even wake up. You will be having broken sleep for at least the next year. You next best night's sleep will (ironically) probably be on the day the baby is born. If you have the option to have the baby in the nursery, DO IT. It does not make you a terrible mother. The fresh babies only need to be kept clean for the first several hours. They don't know how to eat (we'll cover that topic later). Let the trained experts earn their $25/hour for that first night. You'll be tired anyway. Back to now...wake, pee, sleep. Don't daydream, fret, plan, etc. If you MUST do some of that, keep a notebook by your bed and write it down (whatever thought is keeping you awake). You can't do anything about anything during the middle of the night...well, except eBay.

The sisters...pregnant on the left...mother on the right...REALLY smart in the middle. 

Welcome...

I am creating this blog for my pregnant, younger sister. Being the older, wiser, mother-of-two-boys sister I feel it my duty to lay out all the info here. Using this format, the younger sister can feel free to give me the finger, roll her eyes, scream, yell, hit, etc, and I will be oblivious. No nicey-nice like on phone calls and face-to-face meetings. If you have a topic of particular need (sometimes doctors don't give us the answers we want) ask away! Take it with a grain of salt. And do I need to say to all the letigious folks who might stumble upon this blog....THE INFORMATION HEREIN IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR MEDICAL ADVICE! I'M A TEACHER...NOT A DOCTOR. CALL YOU OBGYN. Geeze!

Dear sister of mine...you must know that this advice is honest but also tongue-in-cheek. If I piss you off too much (or at all) let me know, and I'll start telling lies. :-)

And with that...

CONGRATULATIONS!!! The see-saw emotional rollercoaster of the "getting pregnant" stage of your journey is over. Whew!

Advice number one: Be nice to your husband. He is going to have a bird's eye view of you in your MOST unflattering pose. Yah, yah, miracle of birth and all that...it is still kinda gross. You want him to remember how nice you were during your pregnancy...not that you were a sluggish, emotional, hormonal wench. It is easy to fall into the , "hey I'm pregnant with your baby" excuse trap. Use it sparingly. I'm sure if he could switch places with you, he would. HA! Only kidding, we all know that guys are too whimpy for this stuff.